Girl Talk 3: The Bachelorette Party
by JaerWolfe
Summary: It's the girls turn now...


"This is the worst party ever." Jack snarled, her large eyes glaring about the elegant club surrounding them. "I feel like I'm going to break something just by looking at it."

"And whose fault is that?" Shepard sniped at her before tossing a purple colored drink back in one swallow. She was sprawled back in her chair in a position more suited to a man, her legs wide, one arm over the back of her chair and fortunately she wasn't wearing a dress or the entire right side of the club would have known whether she wore panties or not.

"If you had wanted something specific, you should have spoken up." Miranda joined the conversation.

"It's a Bachelorette party. I am the Bachelorette. My _**friends**_ are the ones who are supposed to plan a kick ass party to celebrate my wedding tomorrow with me." Shepard retorted motioning for the waiter to bring her another drink. "But apparently I don't have any friends."

"You wouldn't commit." Miranda snapped back. "We should have had this party a week ago. Instead you have spent the entire time in denial that you were getting married."

"Damn, that got old." Jack agreed fervently before her voice went higher. "I'm not getting married. I'm not getting married. Oh, shit, I'm getting married. No, I'm not getting married. I'm not getting married. The Council has taken control of my wedding and turned it into a PR debacle and I have no control so I'm not getting married, boo hoo." She smacked a hand on her face.

Shepard narrowed her eyes and glared at her. "I do not sound like that."

"Normally, no." Jack agreed. "But these last couple of weeks I was ready to tell you that you weren't getting married because I was going to kill you myself."

"Well excuse me if this has been stressful!" Shepard snapped back. "The minute the Council found out that two members of the team that defeated the Reapers were getting married, they decided it needed to be a state event for the good of species relations."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot that one." Jack muttered. "Why didn't we just elope? We can use the Normandy stealth systems to get away from the Citadel before anyone notices."

"Then there was the fact we couldn't agree on the setting." Miranda broke into the imitation. "Jack wanted strippers…"

"Don't pretty it up, Cheerleader." Jack snapped. "You were all for it. Even knew an exclusive club that you could get us in."

"Kasumi's choice was a club within walking distance of the private weapons collection of one of the richest Volus in the universe. When I asked, she said getting a wedding present for you was proving difficult and she wanted to explore all of her shopping options."

Shepard's annoyance faded to interest. "What does he have in his collection?" She asked and Miranda rolled her eyes.

"And then there was the biggest problem. The one that just showed up. The one who insisted we have it here." Jack shoved back from the table with uncharacteristic haste. "I'm hitting the bar."

"You have a drink." Shepard pointed to the glass on the table.

"It's not strong enough." Jack muttered and took off.

"Uhm, I'll…go help her." Miranda stood quickly and followed.

Shepard glanced over her shoulder, flinched and then glared at the retreating duo. "I hate you both and you can't leave me here alone with her!" She hissed. "You're supposed to get me drunk enough to pass out so I won't freak out and take the Normandy for a joyride to the farthest inhabitable planet I can find. It's the only way I'll show up for my wedding!"

Jack blew her a kiss and Miranda didn't bother to look back.

Shepard sprawled back in her chair already plotting to make Miranda's hair look like Jack's and Jack's look like Miranda's.

"Oh, now, really, Commander Shepard, is that any way for a lady to sit?" The matronly voice chided as a small woman, not more than five feet in height and pleasantly plump, came up to the table. "Put your legs together, now, and sit up straight."

Shepard closed her eyes, reminded herself that the man she loved had asked her to make an effort and did as she was told. "Yes, Mrs Alenko."

"There. Much better. And where is that lovely young Jack? If brought this wonderful shirt I thought she might like. The color would really compliment her beautiful eyes." The older woman with dark hair long since gone to silver held up a white blouse with a ruffled collar. "Plus, she might get cold, you know. Shoelaces aren't very warm when worn across a lady's unmentionables."

Shepard opened her mouth to mention those unmentionables in the most vulgar, tasteless and offensive manner possible while asking if Mrs Alenko knew about wearing shoelaces from personal experience and then remembered that this woman would be her mother-in-law in less than twenty hours.

Shepard lifted her glass and downed the whole thing.

"Commander, a woman sips a drink, not guzzles it. That's just tacky." Mrs Alenko reproved with a frown.

Shepard motioned to the bartender to bring her two more.

"Now isn't this pleasant? Just the two of us, alone for the first time."

Only because Miranda and Jack were a couple of cowards, Shepard thought darkly.

Mrs Alenko, her brown eyes so much like Kaidan's smiled at Shepard. "Now we have a chance to just sit and chat."

Shepard wondered if the waiter would move faster if she pulled out her gun and waved it at him.

"Have you thought about how soon you'll start having children?"

Aaaaaand it was official. There was not enough liquor on the entire Citadel to make this situation bearable.

Really, it wasn't that she didn't like Mrs Alenko…she barely knew her. She'd had Liara run an information dossier on her future mother in law to find out if they had anything in common that they could talk about.

What Shepard found out scared her.

Mrs Alenko's favorite hobby was knitting which involved needles and knots and not in a sadistic way. She liked Italian which Shepard had thought had potential…until she found out Mrs Alenko was of the opinion that not even Italians could make Italian food as well as she could and felt bad for their lack of skills. Mrs Alenko also liked to garden in her climate controlled backyard and had Koi fish in a pond. Shepard decided not to mention her own lack of success with fish and spent most of the last two weeks that the elder Alenko's had been on the Citadel finding things that needed to be done away from them and cloaking anytime she heard their voices coming near.

"There you are, Mrs Alenko." A woman's voice said with a gushing politeness

A slender woman with an expensive hair cut and exquisite clothing bent down and gave Kaidan's mother a delicate hug.

"Oh, dear, you came." Mrs Alenko beamed at the newcomer as if finding a long lost daughter. "I'm so pleased. Have you met Commander Shepard before?"

Tawny eyes slanted from the older woman to Shepard, the smile on her lips never reaching her gaze. Those eyes dissected and assessed. "No, Mrs Alenko. Of course I've heard of her." A soft laugh floated across the table. "That military person who saved us from the Reapers."

"Commander Shepard, this is Rahna Yilmaz." Mrs Alenko said with a sweet smile. "She and Kaidan were…friends once."

Rahna's smile would have looked at home on a Vorcha, Shepard thought as the other woman gracefully sat down, her legs crossed, her posture perfect, her expression full of compassion and kindness.

"I was the first love of his life." Rahna said, her voice a sigh of regret.

Looking at her through narrowed eyes, Shepard wondered if she was supposed to say how sorry she was that things hadn't worked out and ask why.

Shepard smiled, showing teeth. "Rahna. Yes. Kaidan has mentioned you."

"Oh, well." Rahna faked a blush, her hand covering her mouth as she slanted her gaze toward Mrs Alenko and then back. "He remembers me? That is just so sweet. But of course, he would. He was such a darling to me. So sweet."

If it got any sweeter Shepard was going to need some cavities filled.

"I really hope you don't mind that I invited Rahna to your Bachelorette Party, Commander Shepard." Mrs Alenko broke in smoothly. "After all, she and Kaidan were so close once upon a time."

"Oh, why not?" Shepard answered taking a glass from the waiter before she could set it on the table and knocking it back. "Bring more. Lots more." She ordered the Asari waitress whose eyes widened.

"Rahna would love to attend the wedding tomorrow but she has been unable to get an invitation." Mrs Alenko's expression turned sad. "They're being very strict about who they are allowing in."

"I have enemies." Shepard said briefly, her attention on the bar where Jack and Miranda were laughing with a pair of Alliance soldiers in BDUs. "And no friends."

"Where is Kaidan?" Rahna cooed at her. "I was so hoping to see him again."

Shepard's expression held disbelief. "Why would Kaidan be at my Bachelorette party? He's getting lap dances from Asari strippers with Joker and Garrus. Or so they think." An evil smile curved her lips and she snickered into her glass.

"No, I meant before the wedding, silly." Rahna cooed as if Shepard had just said the funniest thing.

Shepard began contemplating how many ways she could hold down the other woman and rip her eyebrows out in less than a minute.

"We meant so much to each other, once." Sorrow played across the lovely woman's face. "We were all alone."

"Surrounded by other children just like you, but all alone, yes, I get that." Shepard sniped back.

Shepard reached for her second glass and wondered why Jack couldn't start a public brawl when one was really needed. Another look from Mrs Alenko and instead of tossing it back, she began to sip.

"We thought Rahna could be made a member of the wedding party…a bridesmaid perhaps, and join the wedding that way."

Shepard spit the drink out, choking and coughing. Fortunately she had missed her future mother-in-law, unfortunately she had also missed Rahna.

"Perhaps you should consider cutting back, Commander Shepard." Mrs Alenko advised in a delicate tone.

"Oh, Hell, no." Shepard said with feeling.

"I'm sorry?" Mrs Alenko's voice became ice.

"Uhm, sorry. I thought I saw…Saren…over in the corner…stripping." Shepard mumbled wiping at her mouth and shirt. "We were talking about…" She fumbled the words trying to think of something she was willing to discuss with her future mother-in-law to distract from the bridesmaid suggestion. There simply wasn't anything she really wanted to discuss with her future mother-in-law.

"Oh, I could never find the appropriate dress in such a short time, but thank you, Commander. That was such a sweet suggestion."

One that Shepard would deny any and all claim to.

"Oh, there she is." Mrs Alenko had found Jack drinking at the bar. "I'll be right back. I really think Jack will like this shirt." She rose from the table.

Shepard didn't watch her leave, her eyes on the woman sitting across from her. Rahna's smile had faded leaving a faintly disgusted expression as if she smelled something foul and needed to scrape the bottom of her shoe.

"Kaidan remembers you as such a sweet thing. Everyone loved you. You had a gentle heart." Shepard said abruptly.

A cat-like smile curved that beautiful face. "He was my favorite. Oh, sure, he didn't have as much money, but my parents are rich so that wasn't an issue and while he was rather geeky looking as a teenager you could see the potential. Potential that has definitely been…filled." The last word was drawled with vicious delight.

Shepard's lips curved in return but there was little humor in the gesture. "I knew it was bullshit the first time I heard it. Kaidan can be excused for believing it…he's a guy, a gentleman. They have no clue about how manipulative we females can be." She crossed her arms over her chest. "So why are you here, Rahna? Power trip? You want to be part of what idiots who aren't involved in it are calling the Wedding of the Century?"

Rahna lifted her chin slightly. "I'm here to prevent Kaidan from making a mistake. I understand, really I do, why he would chose you. I was rather harsh to him when we last knew each other, but I never meant for him to take it so seriously. Besides, once Mother and Father found out what happened they didn't want me to have anything to do with anyone from Brain Camp. Including Kaidan."

Shepard tilted her head. "What mistake are you preventing Kaidan from making? Or do I need to bother asking?"

"You." Rahna confirmed, almost with pity. "You swear like a man, drink like fish and sit like a drugged insane asylum patient. I expect drool to come out of your mouth at any moment." The words were said with a note of disbelief, as if she wondered how Shepard had been let out without a handler to begin with.

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "And Kaidan could fix his mistake by choosing you."

"Oh, yes." Rahna's lips curved. "Don't feel bad, darling, I know Kaidan has feelings for you. I believe the term for it is battlefield flirting. But in the real world? If he had a choice between the two of us, I'm sorry, there is simply no competition. You would spare yourself the humiliation by bowing out now."

Nodding her head, thoughtful, Shepard kept her eyes on the other woman. "Before I do what I'm about to do to you, I want to make it perfectly clear that there is no chance in hell of that actually happening. You and Kaidan…ancient history, Princess. Kaidan grew up while you weren't looking. He's decent, he's thoughtful…sometimes he thinks too much, but we're working on that…and most of all, he loves me. And I don't have to play the poor little precious princess who needs protection." Rahna's eyes narrowed at the direct strike. "He knows he can count on me when he needs to and he knows I will lean on him when I need to. Kaidan left you behind a long time ago."

Blue flared from the slender woman and the drink in front of Shepard was splashed across her face without Rahna having moved a hand.

Shepard smiled and licked some of the drops off her lips. "Oh, how cute. You finally learned to move a glass. Took you long enough."

A table from the left was grabbed in a pull but Shepard was already moving.

* * *

At the bar where she was slowing buttoning up the blouse Mrs Alenko had brought her, Jack was the first to notice the brawl going on between the two women.

"I want it on record, Cheerleader, that I was not the one who started this." Jack stated in flat tones.

Mrs Alenko simply smiled.

* * *

"He's going to kill me." Shepard had her head buried in her hands and ignored the blood dripping from her nose.

"Will you stop saying that." Miranda murmured pacing the small C-Sec cell. "This can't have been the first time you've been arrested."

"It's the first time I've gotten his mother arrested." Shepard moaned, not moving. "He's going to kill me. He's going to give me that disapproving look and he's going to reconsider marrying me."

"Oh, I highly doubt that." Mrs Alenko said. Her broken nose had been shifted back into place and a med-gel application had taken care of most of the damage, but there were still faint shadows under her eyes.

"Why did they let Jack go?" Miranda demanded, not paying attention to the older woman. "She has no hair. She's covered in tattoos. How could they not have arrested her? She should have been the first one!"

Shepard lifted her head. "She didn't fight, Miranda. Everyone agreed that Jack stayed out of it."

"It was a brawl!" Miranda declared in disbelief. "How could she not get in a fight?"

"Because the ship's betting pool had only two entries that Jack would not get drunk and start a brawl at the Bachelorette Party. The odds were damn good if you put money down against a fight started by Jack." Shepard shrugged. "The betting on whether or not I would start the fight in an attempt to be thrown in jail and miss my own wedding were a lot higher, actually."

Mrs Alenko laughed. "I take it the two entries were yours and Jack's?"

Shepard gave a woman a wary glance. "Yes."

"That's not fair." Miranda cried in disbelief. "You and Jack can't place a bet on whether or not she's going to fight and then rig the results! That's cheating!"

"I'm sorry, who was your previous employer again? I can't believe you'd worry about playing fair." Shepard gave her an expression that questioned her sanity. "And we didn't rig it. This is Jack we're talking about. It was far from a sure thing and who could have predicted that a skanky bitch from Kaidan's past would show up and be suicidal enough to tell me to my face that she's going to save him from me."

"Oh, I could have." Mrs Alenko murmured. "I wish I'd know about the Normandy's betting pool, I'd have placed a bet."

Two sets of eyes rounded on the woman, staring.

Mrs Alenko smiled, the expression oddly serene for a woman covered in blood sitting the middle of a C-Sec holding cell. "I have wanted to punch that woman's face since Kaidan came back from Brain Camp. Watching you do it was much more satisfying, and less painful."

Shepard's jaw dropped.

"I knew what she was. I could tell from the way he described her. How gentle she was. How everyone loved her." Mrs Alenko snorted. "Manipulative little twit. My poor Kaidan never had a chance. I raised him to protect others, especially those weaker than he was but he was too young, too full of hormones to understand that weaker doesn't always mean helpless. I blame her entirely for the months it took before I saw Kaidan smile again after that Turian held a knife to his throat."

"Miranda, what drugs did you let them give me?" Shepard demanded of the former Cerberus operative.

"Oh, stop being prissy." Mrs Alenko told her with irritation. "When Kaidan told us he was getting married and to who, I knew this was a golden opportunity to get Rahna out of his, not to mention my, life once and for all. His fame, and the fact she wasn't a part of it, was driving her stupid. Phone calls every week, requests for contact information. When she began hinting that she should meet Kaidan again after the wedding was announced, I was delighted."

"She played you." Miranda said with stunned awe. "Your future mother-in-law played you."

Mrs Alenko smiled. "I knew that if I left Commander Shepard alone with Rahna, Rahna would never be able to resist her little digs and you being who you are, dear, would not have taken it." A satisfied sigh was released from the older woman.

"Holy shit, he learned it from you." Shepard said, stunned. "How to always leave a way out. How he sometimes manages me and I know he's doing it but I can't figure out how to call him on it without sounding like a shrew. He learned that from you!"

The smile broadened. "Why, thank you, Commander Shepard. That is such a wonderful thing to say."

Shepard was still staring at her, stunned. "You'd better start calling me Kaet."

Mrs Alenko laughed. "You can call me Anna, dear."

"I think I'm scared to." Shepard answered baldly much to the older woman's delight.

"Oh, I hoped he'd choose a woman like you." Anna murmured. "His father will be so delighted. And so you don't worry, dear, Kaidan may have my eyes, but he has his father's looks. He'll have that nice butt for many years to come."

Incapable of answering, Shepard simply dropped her face into her hands.

"Does Kaidan have any brothers? Perhaps even a cousin with a strong family resemblance?" Miranda asked casually.


End file.
